The Blog of cripplecrow

Its really scary to see how quickly people here in Los Angeles can change. Its only been 4 years.

I never really talk about my life in Los Angeles before, well, this past October. It was kind of... really great but at the same time, really, really scary.

There are so many bums in the streets here. Most of them are drug addicts, begging for money to get a fix. I guess its to be expected, as most homeless people seem to flock to large cities. It makes you wonder though, why did they come to this particular city in the first place?

I honestly wondered that when I came here. I know that many of the bums where I'm from were just old, crazy Palestinians. They just never left their home. The inner city of Los Angeles, though, unlike Jerusalem or Haifa, is not somewhere that many people go to settle down with a family and therefor isn't really a place that many people would just be BORN at.

My friend told me that most of them were just some of the many people who come to Los Angeles looking for fame and fortune. Very few people actually get this, and the rest just either find something else to do with their lives or keep trying.

The reason that I came to Los Angeles was because I was being offered many modeling opportunities within Los Angeles. I was being moved from Elite Model Management in Israel to Elite Model Management in Los Angeles.  I traveled a lot during this time too, but most of my work was in LA.

I was living the glamorous life, and I was quite happy with all of my shallow friends. I was invited to many parties, even parties at the infamous Playboy mansion. I was a VIP many places and had many "connections".

The girls who became my friends were anorexic/bulimic and cocaine addicts. I never really became the latter, but I didn't mind snorting a bit every now and again. I think that I fell for this life so easily because of all the pain that was so near to me from having just finished in the Israeli Defense Forces.

I was.... incredibly shallow. I was rude and I was absolutely full of myself, or at least I pretended to be. Truth be told, I was suffering from major Body Dysmorphic Disorder as I think most people (at least girls) who are party people and wannabe actresses/actors/models do.

I acted like a G-d everywhere I went. I obsessed over my appearance, I hooked up with girls I didn't know at all way too often, I was using drugs, and drinking. My clothes were all designer brand. Everything had to be, even my sunglasses and shoes.

I acted like a complete divo (you know, male diva). I yelled at make-up artists, I sucked up to photographers but complained like crazy if everything wasn't my way. I hardly talked to my parents at all and even made my mother cry with my rude remarks. I hardly talked to my brothers either. My friends from Israel really didn't mean much to me anymore.

With all of this going on in my life, its a wonder to me how I didn't fail any classes in med school. And yes, I was in med school during all of this. I can't say I put forth too much effort...

I couldn't really recognize myself anymore, but at the same time I didn't even know who I was. Somewhere between leaving for boot camp in 1999, and  going by a different name when I was taken in by a big-name agency in Los Angeles in 2003, I completely lost myself.

My father had been diagnosed with prostate cancer in his 30's and it returned in 2006. My brother was also diagnosed with cancer, but his of the pancreas, on May 7, 2007 - my 26th birthday. My father and brother both died within months of each other. It was at this point that I realized how wrong I had been with my life. I felt so guilty for not being there for them...

In October 2007, I stopped modeling and I threw away this "glamorous life", or as I look back and realize... a miserable life. I had to stop school earlier for a bit... I needed a break for my health.

All this time I had been using the drugs, the alcohol, and the "fame" to make myself feel better because of the PTSD and BDD... but it only made me worse.

I changed a lot, and so did many of my friends. Some of them moved to Arizona and Colorado to start families. Many are in rehab.... and many more than I'd like to imagine are dead from drugs. I'm sure that many of those will become like the bums....

I am glad that I am not in the latter category, and I'm glad I'm not a bum like many had become. I feel for these bums... I know where they were.

I wish I could just tell every girl or boy who dreams of being famous in Hollywood about how it really just ruins your life... but maybe its part of learning. Maybe there's a reason for this, I don't know.